Letters to the Predator

Very funny article about the new Roboraptor, and the inspired job done by the packaging people.

I wrote the following back to Beth Bragg, the author. I highly recommend her work.

Not to boast or anything, but I got my son’s Roboraptor open in less than twenty minutes without a) destroying it, b) shooting it or anything else, c) burning it or the house down, d) shooting my eye out (I loved your Christmas Story reference, by the way), or even e) (to steal another reference from the same movie) weaving a tapestry of obscenities that will forever remain floating over the Delaware River.

Granted, I did pour myself an extra round of good tidings later that evening to wipe away the lingering thoughts of what I might stuff down the stockings of those involved in the packaging.

That school in Michigan may provide an interesting solution to a much broader problem. The Homeland Security folks say they are concerned about hazardous materials getting into the wrong hands. Perhaps we could send the packaging folks out to do their dastardly deeds on the existing stockpiles. What, with the packing tape and twist ties and such, even if the bad guys did get their hands on the remaining Soviet arsenal, they couldn’t do anything with it. Unless, that is, one of the packaging folks adds a “Try Me” button.

On second thought, I’m not sure I want the twist ties getting into the hands of the terrorists …

Yes, I am a dork.

I may not have cracked Da Vinci's code, but I did find a crack in the U.S. Code. The gubment posts the listing of federal laws online. In the course of some research, I found an error.

In Title 15, Chapter 41, Subchapter I, Part B, Section 1635, Subsection B (as amended on January 19, 2004), they spell obligor "boliger."

Tsk, tsk, tsk ... you'd think at this point we should have the best government money could buy.

Side effects may include polka-dotted dinosaurs

I was checking out the documentation that came with my perscription. I love this part:

"Psychic derangements may appear when [this drug is] used, ranging from euphoria, insomnia, mood swings, personality changes, and severe depression, to frank psychotic manifestations. Also, existing emotional instability or psychotic tendencies may be aggrevated by [this drug]."

Great. I may be stuck awake all night, but at least I can have a happy yet sad chat with Elvis.

And I love their sense of severity. Among the specific potential adverse reactions, they list, in order: fluid retention, congestive heart failure in susceptible patients, and potassium loss. In other words, I may retain water, I may wind up with bleeding lungs, and I probably ought to eat an extra banana.

Oh, and my menstral cycle may be disrupted.

Funny sh*t

(I'm stealing this post from my friend Ed. He wrote this on our fantasy football league's bulletin board:)

Scatalogical Observation of the Day

I have a linebacker on my team named Lofa Tatupu. I'm sorry, but to me, Lofa Tatupu sounds like something you'd nickname a baby's bowel movement. "Oh, you naughty little girl... look at that Lofa Tatupu you just made."

Great Lines from MXC

Spike TV has a great Japanese game show called MXC, or Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. (I'm not sure what happened to the E.) Contestants try (usually unsuccessfully) various challenges and if (when) they fail, they wind up falling into mud puddles or water hazzards or a pit of flour. Since it's all in Japanese, the show is re-written and American actors provide voice-overs. The dialogue is changed entirely, but that doesn't matter. First, the Japanese jokes might not fly as well in English. Second, it's just darned funny the way they've assembled it.

Basically, the contestants do crazy competitions like the Colassal Dominos of Doom, and the commentators give the play-by-play. So without further ado, here are some fun one-liners from the show last night:

I just wanted to use the Bible for monetary gain. You know, like Mel Gibson or Pat Robertson.

That's Johnny Bukakione - he's always surrounded by a small circle of friends.

We're going to need a deeper shallow grave. She's huge.

She's the inventor of the Pray Station II, the game consol that only works if you face it east. It's feature game is Martyr-dumb and Dumber.

I've heard he's whacked more men than Richard Simmons.

And straight from witness protection program is Steve Cardu ... er, Smith.

I can tell you from my experience as a successful network executive, there are only two important things - a nice severance package and a hot trophy wife.

He tries a Sodomite Skip, but he can't stick it.

He's an executive for the Home Shoplifting Network. If you call in the next five minutes you'll get a five-finger discount.

It's like that cable show where gay people force you to redecorate.

That's Ginger Caverns. She works for the adult family channel: T&A Kids.

She wouldn't look that bad in a wet burka contest.

It's a new show where I redecorate closet gay celebrities homes: While You Were Outed!