When Life Gives You Poop …

My favorite part about watching TV, reading books, listening to music, going to movies, or, if necessary, dealing with real people is catching the occasional one- or two-liners that really stick out – the soundbites of life, if you will. While I tend to drone on and on, I love it when someone can find a way to say a heck of a lot by saying just a little.

This all started with my 11th grade language arts class. Our teacher had us keep a quote book throughout the whole year. I still have mine and I actually intend to set up a favorite quotations site or blog of some sort sometime soon. (Of course this requires some deliberation; one of my old schoolmates posted his quote book online – now whenever you Google the name of one of my other schoolmates, you see fat jokes he and I made about her back in high school.) Often times I log onto imdb.com for the sole purpose of pulling up “memorable quotes”. I will at times have a pen and paper – or better yet, a computer – with me when I watch TV so I can quickly jot down anything cool, poignant, or just plain quirky that is said. This drives Ms N nuts.

Here are a few snippets that come to mind …

“Gentlemen! You can’t fight in here, this is the War Room!”
President Merkin Muffley; Dr. Strangelove

“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”
Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy

“War doesn’t decide who’s right, only who’s left.”
Bumper sticker

“I’m the President. I don’t have any real power; my job is to draw attention away from it.”
Zaphod Beeblebrox, Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy

“POLITICS! POLITICS!”
Animal, Muppet Treasure Island

“Mongo just pawn in game of life.”
Mongo, Blazing Saddles

“If money can’t buy happiness then I guess I’ll have to rent it.”
This is the Life; Weird Al Yankovic

“Multiculturalism: Going From Bad to Diverse”
P.J. O’Rourke

“Nobody goes there, it’s too crowded.”
Yogi Berra

“Every jumbled pile of person has a thinking part that’s thinking what the part that isn’t thinking isn’t thinking of.”
Where Your Eyes Don’t Go; They Might Be Giants

“Maybe you should try raising kids. Then you can know what it’s like to be woken up at midnight because they want another bottle of Mountain Dew.”
Joy; My Name Is Earl

“I’m so hungry I could eat a vegetable.”
Al Bundy; Married … With Children

“My karma ran over your dogma.”
Not sure

“But I am so God-awfully human; I’ll pick the lock but will not turn the key.”
Looking In; Bad Religion

“Flattery gets you underwear.”
Sarah Dey

“If shit were gold, I’d have the Midas touch.”
Me

“Young girls are like miniature human beings … young boys are pod people from the planet Destructo.”
Dave Barry

“What [our band] lacks in talent, we make up for in volume.”
Dave Barry

“Perhaps he shot himself and then hid the gun.”
Detective; Monty Python’s Flying Circus

“Dead puppies aren’t much fun.”
Dead Puppies; Ogden Edsl

“If I can make just one person happy, that is my reward. The rest goes to the government.”
Victor Borge

“I plan to live forever … or die trying.”
Me

“Usually, when all is said and done, more is said than done.”
Not sure

“When life gives you poop, make poop juice”
Bug-eyed Earl; Red Meat