Jerry! Jerry!

Ever had one of those my-life-would-make-a-good-Jerry-Springer-show days? These past 24 hours have been that way.

And I'm probably the one who will get hit by the chair ...

When Life Gives You Poop …

My favorite part about watching TV, reading books, listening to music, going to movies, or, if necessary, dealing with real people is catching the occasional one- or two-liners that really stick out – the soundbites of life, if you will. While I tend to drone on and on, I love it when someone can find a way to say a heck of a lot by saying just a little.

This all started with my 11th grade language arts class. Our teacher had us keep a quote book throughout the whole year. I still have mine and I actually intend to set up a favorite quotations site or blog of some sort sometime soon. (Of course this requires some deliberation; one of my old schoolmates posted his quote book online – now whenever you Google the name of one of my other schoolmates, you see fat jokes he and I made about her back in high school.) Often times I log onto imdb.com for the sole purpose of pulling up “memorable quotes”. I will at times have a pen and paper – or better yet, a computer – with me when I watch TV so I can quickly jot down anything cool, poignant, or just plain quirky that is said. This drives Ms N nuts.

Here are a few snippets that come to mind …

“Gentlemen! You can’t fight in here, this is the War Room!”
President Merkin Muffley; Dr. Strangelove

“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”
Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy

“War doesn’t decide who’s right, only who’s left.”
Bumper sticker

“I’m the President. I don’t have any real power; my job is to draw attention away from it.”
Zaphod Beeblebrox, Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy

“POLITICS! POLITICS!”
Animal, Muppet Treasure Island

“Mongo just pawn in game of life.”
Mongo, Blazing Saddles

“If money can’t buy happiness then I guess I’ll have to rent it.”
This is the Life; Weird Al Yankovic

“Multiculturalism: Going From Bad to Diverse”
P.J. O’Rourke

“Nobody goes there, it’s too crowded.”
Yogi Berra

“Every jumbled pile of person has a thinking part that’s thinking what the part that isn’t thinking isn’t thinking of.”
Where Your Eyes Don’t Go; They Might Be Giants

“Maybe you should try raising kids. Then you can know what it’s like to be woken up at midnight because they want another bottle of Mountain Dew.”
Joy; My Name Is Earl

“I’m so hungry I could eat a vegetable.”
Al Bundy; Married … With Children

“My karma ran over your dogma.”
Not sure

“But I am so God-awfully human; I’ll pick the lock but will not turn the key.”
Looking In; Bad Religion

“Flattery gets you underwear.”
Sarah Dey

“If shit were gold, I’d have the Midas touch.”
Me

“Young girls are like miniature human beings … young boys are pod people from the planet Destructo.”
Dave Barry

“What [our band] lacks in talent, we make up for in volume.”
Dave Barry

“Perhaps he shot himself and then hid the gun.”
Detective; Monty Python’s Flying Circus

“Dead puppies aren’t much fun.”
Dead Puppies; Ogden Edsl

“If I can make just one person happy, that is my reward. The rest goes to the government.”
Victor Borge

“I plan to live forever … or die trying.”
Me

“Usually, when all is said and done, more is said than done.”
Not sure

“When life gives you poop, make poop juice”
Bug-eyed Earl; Red Meat

Ernes-D’oh!

Hurricane Ernesto landed in the Carolinas yesterday and has now worked its way up the mid-Atlantic states. It’s not a hurricane anymore, of course. Deprived of its warm ocean water fuel, it rapidly deteriorated from hurricane to tropical storm to tropical depression. Eventually it will dwindle down to a single L on the weather map – perhaps with a frowny face if it’s a local morning news weather map. Right now it’s a huge mass of rain clouds and high winds stretching hundreds of miles from Virginia to New England, turning the last vacation weekend of summer into a “what can we do inside” kind of weekend. Flood warnings have been issued for almost every country in that area. Those kids who like to pretend the couch is a boat can actually float around the living room on the couch.

Let’s call it “Tropical Bummer Ernesto.”

So as Ernesto worked its way north from Florida to the Carolinas, my folks were working their way east. They landed in DC around 7, Ernesto just a bit later. This morning, we drive down to meet them.

DC is a good walking city. Not that they have done a lot to make walking easier, mind you. It’s just that traffic is bad, parking is so ludicrous, and cabs are priced for lobbyists with expense accounts. Compared with these alternatives, a brisk walk seems like a wonderful idea. Unless, of course, the path along which you have to walk is flooded.

As you might guess, we’ll be cabbing it a bit. And a family picnic on the National Mall is right out.

Actually, recent weather reports indicate that the weather will be better by the time we get there. We’ll see how it goes. Now if I can just get my son to pack his stuff without too much hassle …

Have a good Labor Day weekend, all you loyal reader(s?)!

A Snowball’s Chance in [Our Apartment]

Today we mourn the passing of a dearly loved pet hamster, Snowball.

Snowball was a good hamster, escaping only a couple times and never once chewing up the carpet or power cords when free, unlike Spongebob, his black sheep of a brother. And while Snowball was never quite as friendly as the other half of our odd couple of hamsters, he was far tidier – the Jack Lemmon to Spongebob’s Walter Mathau, if you will. Spongebob keeps his home in standard bachelor fashion – food and garbage strewn about haphazardly and such. It was refreshing by comparison to look into Snowball’s cage and see him blissfully asleep, dreaming his little hamster dreams atop his small yet tidy bed of wood chips, curled up in a ball, using his scrotum as a pillow.

Snowball had a good life. While he never made it to his second birthday, in hamster years he was pushing 50 or so. He showed signs of sickness in his final days, but he was so stoic by nature that we never realized the extent. There were no pained cries for help, no frantic actions or signs of distress. He simply passed quietly in his favorite spot, leaving us assuming he was merely asleep.

Until the smell hit, that is. And even then I thought it was a plumbing problem. I was going to call in maintenance to look for a sewage leak, us living on the bottom floor and all.

Snowball was interred in state this morning before work. He is survived by his brother Spongebob, his owner Emily, and probably thousands of other brothers, sisters, cousins, nieces, and nephews out there somewhere. Emily is holding up well, all things considered; her grief being tempered by fond memories of the good times they had together, and perhaps some relief that cage cleaning is off her chore list.

So now, Snowball, as you run eternally on the giant hamster wheel in the sky, we thank you for being part of our family and we wish you well.

Rest In Peace
Snowball
October-ish 2004 – August 30 (perhaps?), 2006