I am an inadvertent asshole.

I’ve come to that conclusion recently after a painful bit of self-analysis. I never intend to be an asshole. Quite the opposite, in fact -- I specifically try to not be an asshole. Yet in too many cases my reluctance to push too far has led me to stop pushing at all. Naturally this has led to me being pushed around a little (read: a lot). That consequence I’ve been willing to accept. The problem is that my unwillingness to assert myself has cost the people around me. Long story short, I’ve put people around me in compromised situations. Understandably, this has led these people to believe that I am an asshole.

The specific things I do to avoid being an asshole are the things that make me an asshole. Irony?

So now I’ve been thinking about the root causes of my wayward sphincteric tendencies and how they impact the world around me. Why is it that I am so unwilling to assert myself? How many of the things I’ve done because they’re “the right thing to do” have I really done because they’re the easiest thing to do? How would things be different if I were to assert myself?

I have a lot of responsibilities. I am a divorced dad with two kids that live with me in a small apartment. I’ve been a father since I could buy alcohol using my own ID; my daughter was nine when I finally graduated college. I have spent more money than I’ve made, leaving me in a lot of debt. Now I am not trying to set up a “woe is me” mood here by any means. While I’ve had my fair share of willing accomplices, these are all situations I’ve created through my various actions and inactions. I’m just trying to set up where things are right now.

Sometimes (frequently) I feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities. This in turn leads me to feel scatterbrained, and I get into a mental state where I really don’t want to make any choices. A recent discussion along this vein has led me to look into adult ADD. With this simple and clear mission in mind, I hopped on the internet, looked up some ADD sites, and in the process proceeded to look up sports scores, my bank account, a some news articles, ten other mental health links, and a few blogs. Yeah, I’ll consider ADD as a possibility.

I’m also willing to consider obsessive-compulsive disorder. “But wait,” one who knows me might ask, “how can you possibly have OCD? You’re a slob!” Ah, very true. But few people who haven’t seen me prepare an Excel worksheet really know my secret perfectionist tendencies. Remember my scatterbrained / overwhelmed feelings from the last paragraph? (If not, have you considered looking into ADD yourself?) I have very specific ways that I want things done. If I don’t feel I have the time to do things the way I want them done (often the case when I’m feeling overwhelmed and scatterbrained), I will simply push off doing those things until I have the time. I have lots of projects ready to be started throughout my house and office. I am a perfectionist; I’m just not very good at it.

I am also a man of principles. Perhaps not morals or standards, but principles. When the X left I readily took over the bulk of the responsibility for the kids without fighting to ensure that she’d take on her “fair share.” My ultimate concern was not with her or me, it was with my kids. I knew that if I were force her to do very much at that point, she would push back at me in a way that would hurt them. I wanted them to get the most they could. In order to get the most from her for them, I had to cede a lot for myself. Besides, I firmly believe that I provided the better example for them and back then I had the better relationship with them. I knew she’d make a better part-time mom than full-time mom. Furthermore, I simply could not imagine giving my kids up. Prior musings notwithstanding, I have no regrets for letting her off the hook. In keeping the kids and taking on the extra responsibilities that come with being a single dad, I didn’t back down at all. That was perhaps the one time where I truly stood up.

Unfortunately, I think over time I’ve applied this same argument to too many potential conflicts. I finally did something right, and now I am trying to milk that as much as possible by sweeping everything into the same category. Considering what has happened to people I know who came from broken homes, I feel like I’ve spared my kids a lot of pain, concern, and all the problems that go along with watching parents fight by making sure that no fights happened when they were around. Donning my retrospectacles, however, I realize now that they really only didn’t see me fight.

That crashing sound you hear is shattering principles. Referring to Gandhi, I’ve often said that not fighting for the sake of not fighting is just as wrong as fighting just to fight. Yet there I was, getting beaten (verbally) to a pulp and not fighting back. I say I want the most for my kids, but I know I have not been able to be there for them like they need me to be because I am constantly feeling beaten down. I’ve said before I was willing to accept the consequence of getting pushed around a bit in my attempt to not be an asshole. By contrast, I am unwilling to accept others having to suffer for my sake.

I guess I’ve lived up to that last one. Unfortunately, I’ve chosen the “acknowledge” definition of accept, rather than the more appropriate “tolerate” definition. Donning the retrospectacles once again, I see that I’ve put my friends, my family, my kids, Ms N, and others through a lot of suffering. As for why I’ve accepted the circumstances I’ve gotten myself into – often times I’ve simply been too scared of what could go wrong that I’ve forfeited what could go right. I’ve been outright afraid. Ironically, I haven’t been willing to admit this before because – you got it – I’ve been afraid to. I’m too chickenshit to admit that I’m chickenshit.

I finally chose to be an asshole tonight. I made X accept a situation that she really did not want to accept. It scared the shit out of me (and all that was left was a pair of sneakers). I had to call my brother before calling her to get a confidence boost. “You don’t think you can be an asshole, so you’re calling me for advice?” he asked. “Thanks, Kevin.”

He’s told me before that he’s been truly impressed at my ability to persevere through some really crappy situations – my divorce, my marriage, etc. I’m more impressed by his ability to get keep himself out of those situations. I think I’ve achieved mediocrity simply because I’m too afraid to fail. In order to succeed, you need to risk failure. I know that, but I’ve been unwilling to accept that risk, and now I’m reaping the rewards of hesitance. Good things may come to those who wait, but better things are taken by those who don’t.

I’ve been commended for my ability to go with the flow even when times have been tough. Overall I think I have done a good job of keeping setbacks in perspective and I’m proud of my ability to keep on keeping on. But right now I am neither where I want to be nor where I should be. What I’ve been doing thus far is not getting me where I need to go.

I have to change, and that’s truly scary. I have to accept that sometimes it takes being an asshole to avoid being an asshole. (Especially with certain people. The X had the nerve to say I've screwed up her life!) Shudder.

And while it’s sometimes good to go with the flow, if you’re floating down Shit Creek you’ve got to paddle.