Nostalg-ick

I was watching VH1 Classic yesterday (since now the 80’s are “classic”), and a Whitesnake video came on. Remember Whitesnake? Remember the chick who did the car hood dance in “Here I Go Again”? That was Tawny Kitaen, Tom Hank’s bride-to-be in Bachelor Party and the only reason to watch Witchboard. Oh, man, was she ever aesthetically pleasing. She even made it worth listening to Whitesnake songs!

It was painful to watch their videos, though, because they kept alternating between sexy shots of her dancing on the car and long-haired crater-face David Coverdale singing the song. She would stare seductively into your eyes, pulling you into the TV with her come-and-make-yours-and-my-dreams-come-true eyes. Her lips beckoned you closer, then she’d twirl slightly so her hair would partially cover her face dance-of-the-seven-veils fashion. The camera would pan back giving you time to soak in her amazingly sexy body. You’d study every inch of her as if she was going to be on the test. You’d just about be at the point of confirming that her legs do indeed go all the way up when WHAM! – she’s no longer on the screen and you’re now staring straight at pachyderm ass. It was traumatic. She was outright Tawnylicious; he looked like Manuel Noreiga in the witness protection program.

So naturally, after seeing this video, I went to the internets to see what kind of tawdry Tawny information I can find. After successfully finding out what her name was (that’s the one part of the test I never studied for), I did a quick Google image search. Twenty years ago she made me want to be a hood ornament in my next life; eleven years ago, as Kevin Sorbo’s wife in the Hercules series, she looked like this. Her 33 years apparently hadn’t been too hard on her thus far. I certainly wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers.

Now I remember hearing about the Cleveland Indians pitcher who was beat up by his wife a few years back. What I didn’t realize is that it was her! Tawny kicked his ass, he pressed charges, and she wound up in jail. Granted, press shots and mug shots are two different things altogether, but could it be this bad? Oh, the humanity.

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Being a fan of the classics as I am, I’ve had VH1C on more often lately. Those were the days. Remember Nelson? Apparently Google doesn’t. A search for pictures of that band brought up Nelson from the Simpsons, Nelson Mandella, Willie Nelson, and Nelson & Napoleon. It took a bit longer to find this gem. How about Twisted Sister? (My former co-worker went to high school with Dee Snyder; she said he was kind of a dork.)

They showed the Kiss video “Heaven’s on Fire”, one of the band’s videos sans makeup. Removing the makeup was a good move. It’s hard enough to exude toughness when you’re wearing black leather with silver sequins, but to have a drummer who looks like an S&M kitty-cat … it’s just too much.

But who am I to say? They had millions of dollars and no shortage of hot women who were willing to bend over backwards to spend time with them (bending over backwards, no doubt). I certainly can’t say the same for myself – about the money or the women.

The biggest problem with Kiss is that Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley just don’t look right together. Gene genuinely looks tough - just the type of guy you’d rather not run into, especially if you happened to be in a dark alley. Paul looks like an aerobics instructor. The fact that he was wearing hit pink gloves in one of their videos did not help. It’s Gene Simmons and Richard Simmons … with leather & lace Hello Kitty on percussion.