The Chips Are Down

Tomorrow’s the big gub-ment shutdown in New Jersey. Well, actually it started a few days ago, but even though our state rulers are stupid enough to shut the government down over legislative ineptitude, they are smart enough to keep the vacation-related employees on the job through the long July 4 weekend. So today is the last day that “non-essential” employees are working. This includes the casino commissioners, which are required to be on-site for any gambling to take place in Atlantic City.

The first time Ms. N and I went to AC, she won back everything we put into the machines. Last time, I won back everything we put in. This time, once we got to the casino she headed straight to the slots while the Don-abee and I hit the tables.

Now, when I hit the casinos I am not exactly the guy that Donald Trump holds a special room for. First, we are probably never going back to a Trump casino anytime soon. Second, I am more a Lo-Roller. I do enjoy going to the casinos for entertainment purposes, but I also recognize that they don’t pay for those huge buildings, all those lights, and the high-class call girls by giving all the patrons more money than they came in with. No, most dollars that walk in with customers walk out with the Brinks guys. Gambling is not an investment strategy, it is entertainment.

How much am I willing to spend for entertainment? I’ll pass on most movies if it’s not a matinee. In other words, not much.

They now have penny slots, by the way. They don’t actually take pennies, but if you pop in a ten-spot you get 1,000 credits. You can milk a few bucks for quite a while that way. Oh, and the penny slots are never positioned in any of the nice places of the casinos. They are tucked away in remote corners, hidden amongst the janitors’ mops and mob victims. Play the pennies are you are not hanging out with the beautiful people.

OK, I know what you’re saying. Yes, this means that I am getting amusement by pushing a button and watching wheels spin. But, in my defense, after a good spin lights flash and the machine makes beeping noises. Besides, it beats watching the World Cup.

I did win $50 bucks on one spin on the penny slots once. Naturally, thoughts drift to what it would have been had I been on a quarter slot or even a dollar slot. The answer, of course, is nothing. It happened late in the day. I only had money left because I was playing the cheap-ass penny slots with all the other Lo-Rollers. I think I was the only one there who shaved that morning, and some of those women had serious five-o’clock shadow.

So the Don-abee and I hit the tables, which is a bit of a shock for me. The “cheap-ass” tables have a $10 minimum bet. The game we chose was 4-card poker. It’s one bet to ante, another to play. $20 bucks each, I thought … that’s 2,000 pulls at those machines next to the urinals! But I sucked it in and played a hand.

And won! $20 bucks.

I played a bit more (and won a few more times) until my winnings and the initial $20 was gone, but it was fun.

We hit the boardwalk and grabbed a bite to eat at one of the outdoor eateries. “Eatery” is a bit fancy for this place, but we’ll let it go at that. Funny thing was that the place where we ate was run by middle-easterners while the ice cream shop next door was run by Hispanics. Sitting outside, we were treated to battling sound systems – reggaton from the ice cream store and lots of la-la-la stuff from our place.

We went out to the amusement park pier, hoping to play some ski-ball and/or have a go-cart rematch (minus Chapo). After seeing the quality of both (and some storm clouds to the west), we opted to return to the casinos. However, we did see the best sign ever in a place for family entertainment: “Shooting is fun!” (You’ve seen those Drug Free School Zone signs, right? AC has Gun Free School Zone signs. Oy.)

Back in the casinos, the Don-abee and I hit the video poker. Again, I put in $20 and left with … $20. Plus I won $10 on a special scratch-off because I played a machine for 30 minutes. Again, I won back what I put in.
Too bad we can’t say the same for Ms. N.