More P.J.

On Government:

"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators."

"A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them."

"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs."

"The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop."

"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."

"Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us."

And on other things, like the war in Iraq:

"No, it turns out Saddam Hussein didn't have weapons of mass destruction. And how crazy does that make Saddam? All he had to do was tell Hans Blix, 'Look anywhere you want. Look under the bed. Look beneath the couch. Look behind the toilet tank in the third presidential palace on the left, but keep your mitts off my copies of Maxim.' And Saddam could have gone on dictatoring away until Donald Rumsfeld gets elected head of the World Council of Churches. But no . . ."

Moby Dick:

"There’s not a woman in the book, the plot hinges on unkindness to animals, and the black characters mostly drown by Chapter 29."

Reproduction:

"Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs."

And fidelity:

"Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife."