I win! I win!

Sure enough, Spongebob moved back into the wheel this weekend. When I got home on Saturday he had moved all his stuff out of the sky box once again and was sitting on a cushion of wood chips and bedding fluff inside the wheel. He is a stubborn little bastard. I, on the other hand, am a stubborn big bastard.

To continue the little game we’ve been playing, I dumped his bedding back into the sky box and let him once again schlep everything back into the wheel Saturday night. If nothing else, it gave him something to do with his time since he obviously won’t be exercising. I had a bigger trick up my sleeve, but I also had four kids in the house that night so I had bigger things to deal with.

“Enjoy this night in the wheel,” I told him in an almost evil-supervilliany way, “for it will be your last.” Mwah-ha-ha crossed my mind, but I'm pretty sure I didn't make that laughing noise out loud.

--

At this point I think it’s not too off topic to discuss how little issues can quickly escalate into big ones. I mean, in all reality if someone makes an abrupt lane change right in front of you and drives off, they didn’t really do anything to drastic to you. Yet until they leave your sight they are the focus of all of your ire. You begin to reason that the main reason why mankind hasn’t solved its more important challenges like curing cancer, reducing the effect of poverty and starvation, and, of course, a making fat-free doughnut, is because that asshole is keeping all the really, really smart people from getting to work safely.

I laughed at Dave Barry’s observation of two men in Florida who refused to back down when their lanes were merging together, instead opting to crash their cars into each other. They were doing less than five miles an hour. As he said, it was the world’s most avoidable accident. Yet just last week I decided at the last moment not to recreate that same scene on the onramp to the Vine Street Expressway. Two lanes merge into one before joining the highway. During rush hour, cars alternate yielding so as to create a zipper effect before forming one orderly line. As I was about to take my rightful place in line the guy in the next lane sped up and started tailgating the car behind which I was supposed to be. There are concrete walls on either side, so one way or another only one car can make it to the expressway at a time. I’d be lying if I said the thought of ramming him into the wall on his side didn’t cross my mind. I mean, after all, think of all those AIDS sufferers out there pining for a cure. Besides, my bumper was in front. Yet fiery explosions don’t occur at those speeds and I’m sure my insurance rates would go up. Alas, I relented and allowed him the lane, but not without expressing loudly my opinion that he had many rectal qualities.

I was in the line of cars outside my daughter’s school waiting for my turn to drop her off. The tardy bell was about to ring, but we were all held up by this one kid whose mother insisted on talking to him for endlessly before letting him shut the door.

“C’mon, Dumbass,” I said aloud. I truly meant it in the nicest way possible.

Emily looked up and said, “That’s Christian!” The name rang a bell.

“Isn’t that the boy you like?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. She really, really, really likes him. Oops. I’m not supposed to be calling him that – at least not until after they go out on a date.

--

Spongebob held his ground. He looked at me as if to say, “Do your worst, big man, but the wheel will be mine!” Either that or, “I wonder if you have food.” It’s hard to catch subtle nuances from a hamster’s facial expressions.

Today was cage cleaning day. I took him and put him in his ball, then took the cage apart and cleaned it. Then, in a surprise move that he was not expecting, I put the pieces back in the box, grabbed my receipt from Monday, went back to Pet Smart, and returned the cage. I got a new one – same price, mind you – that does not have an Xtreme wheel.

Tonight he is sleeping in the sky box. I left it empty; he pulled all of the bedding and food he wanted with him up there himself.

Point. Set. Match. I win.